So I put my hands up, their playin' my song

I am having a bit of writer's block this morning. I have tons to say and yet I am not quite sure how to get it all out. Becoming a mom has been such an incredible experience for me. Blake and I watch Nikson do everything. Some of my favorites you might ask:

• Baby does this funny half laugh in his sleep and smiles really big.
• Sometimes he sucks on his soother in the corner of his mouth like a cigar.
• He yawns big. It's really cute.
  
• He sleeps with both hands up in the air, like this (I may sing Miley Cyrus every time, or not)

• He will stay awake at night when Blake gets home from school so they can have male bonding time.
• He raises his eyebrows in his sleep, which makes me think of a "I told you so" math teacher, (see above)
  
• And...he grunts...all the time. It's so cute.

(Think, think, think)

It is amazing how affected my world is by this tiny little man. His influence has completely changed the way I do a lot of things. He has taught me to love my husband more, to love myself more, and to love others more. I don't know if he even realizes what he is doing to us. Being a mom has become my identity and as the days go on the more I realize how much I love that. The weeks, count them; one, two, have been really amazing and I am happy with the mommy part. I actually don't really do much it seems. He eats, I change his diaper, and then rock him to sleep. I have showered almost everyday because being clean helps me feel cute, which is important for me. Last night we spotlighted Dad and Nikson stayed up the whole time to help. (I say he helped, but what I really mean is he sat up against the pillow and stared at stuff while I wrote love notes to my husband.) He is so helpful! I really love spending time with these guys. Even now, Blake is grabbing my chubby tummy and holding Nikson while he grunts and breaths heavy in his sleep. What a great morning!

Now on to some more difficult content. As far as motherhood goes, I feel good. I have full confidence in our ability to be parents and love this baby. As far as the rest of my life goes, I have a few things that keep me up at night, besides a hungry baby. On Friday I found out that my mom has Breast Cancer. Yep, Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Why the most healthy woman in the world has to have cancer is beyond me. How have I been handling it, you ask? Well on top of getting a breast infection, my husband not having a job, learning that health insurance will cost us an arm and a leg, and it being February and cold, I only have had a few minor meltdowns. At one point I threw the pillow on my head and told Blake that I quit. Because I really felt like it. I went from wanting to quit, to wanting to move to somewhere that has an ocean, to realizing that I really am blessed. It takes me a little while to get to my faithful self after all that! My mom has been incredible since the news. Remember when I complained about her leaving so early here, well little did my selfish self know, but she had to be back in Colorado for a biopsy the next week. Geesh! And she didn't tell me because she was worried I would have a meltdown...hmmmm? I guess she spared herself the drama. Now she is asking for our family to give her scriptures that will help motivate her to be strong through this whole ordeal. Our family fasted for her on Sunday and she says she feels so peaceful. She knows just what to say to help me cope. Of course, it's not me saying things like that to her. I still have more life to learn from I suppose.

I regret that I am so quick to collapse in times of trial and challenge. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is having me learn so early on in life how to handle stressful situations. There isn't anything like Faith. I have fears, lots of them, but I have learned that if I tuck them deep inside of me and push my faith, the little I have, to the surface, I can make it and I can do great things. I love my family and the faith they have demonstrated. 2011 has started off with the greatest of joys and the hardest of sorrows. There must be something incredible about to happen.


Wait for it.


I love you all.

jac