call me mom

every once in a while i get these insanely overwhelming bursts of magic building up inside me.
times in which i don't really know how to quite express my thoughts, but want to so badly.
that's why i call it magic.
it is amazing, but very hard to pinpoint how it is done.
people always told me that having a soon to be toddler was their favorite stage.
a few months ago i would have told those people to take their cheery selves and scadattle.
the little was a tyrant and i was losing the favorite mother contest.
seriously, boy was always mad at me.
BUT just like any dark and dreary wasteland, the fog cleared and this eighteen month old started communicating and this mom started "getting it."
so lately, even though we both have our moments of melts and misbehaves, we have been having the time of our lives!
we had to sell handsome's MINI Cooper to pay of our second car so we could be debt free for when handsome starts school so the little and i have been home bound a lot more than usual.
we spend our days dancing all over the house( i have been sneaking in the bieb songs and we love them, don't tell the dad.), we are doing chores (nikson is on trash duty since he knows right where to go), playing in the best backyard ever, and trying to beat the heat by having water chugging contests and splashing in the sink, tub, or pool.
he asks for something with a word that really doesn't make sense and a gesture and i try to figure out what he wants.
if i get it right he always hugs my neck and plants a big wet one on me.
he is getting to the point where we can start seeing little bits and pieces of us in him.
he loves music like his dad and moves to it like his mom.
he is curious and likes to figure out how things work like dad and he loves snacks and eating like mom. (what a lame trait i have genetically transferred to my firstborn. gotta work on that.)
he laughs at just about anything which for some reason when he does it feels as if that laughter sinks deep into my soul.
each giggle embeds itself so deeply in me that it feels as if my bones are happy.
each little kiss finds its way into the safe walls of my heart.
no wonder moms are crazy about their sons!
they know how to get inside your heart faster and more gently than any person on the planet.
what a skill to have been given as a child.
i was having my weekly phone chat with my mom and we were discussing the funny things her children do and have taken on from their parents.
i got my boldness and quick tongue from my pops and my quirky personality from Pam.
even with my weirdness, my mom assured me she enjoys every second we get to spend together even if she is so far away.
she likes being the mom.

i am starting to understand more and more that the kind of mom she was and is, happens to be the exact same mom i am trying to become.
i remember those moments when mom and i would exchange a look of laughter and they sunk in deep just as they are now.

Pammogram

Well I learned quite a bit in the past week. Being with my mom has always been therapeutic for my soul. We get into deep gospel conversations and I always leave her feeling renewed and ready to start applying the principles I am learning.

The first day I got to Colorado, Jenn was able to come over and visit. While the kids played and Nikson was sleeping, we started talking about my Mom's current challenge of having Breast Cancer. Although things are looking really good as far as her surgery and recovery go, this "life lesson" as she likes to refer to it, has really taken a toll on her and on our family. Some chose not to talk about it, others find every chance they get to discuss it (me), and my mom is taking the time to really figure out what Heavenly Father wants her to learn from it. I, for one, don't like to think that my mom is going to be in any pain. It scares me a little. Not that I am worried she is not going to do well, I would just rather have her not have to go through it. Obviously. We were talking about all of the feelings we each were having and my mom begins to lay on some heavy learning. Her whole life she has had people pray for her husband, her children, or her family, but has never really had anything happen where people had to specifically pray in her behalf. Sure there have been those times where people pray, "Please help Pam not to kill her teenagers.", but nothing for her physical or spiritual well-being. She was explaining this to us and got really emotional and then said, almost whispering, "I can feel it now."

That short conversation is now shaping my thoughts and the way I pray. She explained how she can feel the power of the prayers being prayed and it seriously is strengthening her. She explained how she can physically feel peace enter her heart and the burden has been made light. You need to know that this whole "cancer business" is quite a shock to all of us, since my mom is the healthiest person we know, who rarely has to go to the doctor (by choice or not), and who has the faith to move mountains. All week I continued to think, "What if I wasn't praying for her?" or "What if we didn't believe things would be alright for her?" My mom means the world to me, if you haven't figured that out yet, and what she says for some reason weighs more on me than most. I just got the strongest feeling that prayer is how we make it. The week continued to teach me more about this principle. Stacey brought her babies over to visit for a while and we talked about Blake's new job and how everything fell into place right when we were about to lose hope. Taylor told me how Tessa would pray every night, "Thank you that Blake could find a job." and they finally got to tell Tess that Blake got a job! Aubrey said she could finally stop fasting for him! It really is amazing what prayer can do. I guess when you are raised to pray you don't realize the affects it truly can have on those you pray for. Here I am hearing how my husband is being prayed for by more people than myself and my mom is being prayed for by more people than herself. It is a real power that elevates and strengthens. Would Blake have found a job without so many people praying for him? Probably. Will my Mom make a great recovery without the prayers of so many known and unknown to her? Maybe. The fact remains true for me, prayer is a vital part of who we are and how we survive. It connects us to Heavenly Father whether the outcome is what we think it should be or not. I need that connection. Not only does it connect me to Him, but it connects me to the ones I love. It connected my mom to the reality of a Savior. It connects my sweet husband to his Heavenly Father and the knowledge that he is loved and being watched over. It is a real power and I am so grateful that I was able to learn a little bit more about it.

My baby has been sleeping, something he does most frequently. I love him for it.