Pammogram

Well I learned quite a bit in the past week. Being with my mom has always been therapeutic for my soul. We get into deep gospel conversations and I always leave her feeling renewed and ready to start applying the principles I am learning.

The first day I got to Colorado, Jenn was able to come over and visit. While the kids played and Nikson was sleeping, we started talking about my Mom's current challenge of having Breast Cancer. Although things are looking really good as far as her surgery and recovery go, this "life lesson" as she likes to refer to it, has really taken a toll on her and on our family. Some chose not to talk about it, others find every chance they get to discuss it (me), and my mom is taking the time to really figure out what Heavenly Father wants her to learn from it. I, for one, don't like to think that my mom is going to be in any pain. It scares me a little. Not that I am worried she is not going to do well, I would just rather have her not have to go through it. Obviously. We were talking about all of the feelings we each were having and my mom begins to lay on some heavy learning. Her whole life she has had people pray for her husband, her children, or her family, but has never really had anything happen where people had to specifically pray in her behalf. Sure there have been those times where people pray, "Please help Pam not to kill her teenagers.", but nothing for her physical or spiritual well-being. She was explaining this to us and got really emotional and then said, almost whispering, "I can feel it now."

That short conversation is now shaping my thoughts and the way I pray. She explained how she can feel the power of the prayers being prayed and it seriously is strengthening her. She explained how she can physically feel peace enter her heart and the burden has been made light. You need to know that this whole "cancer business" is quite a shock to all of us, since my mom is the healthiest person we know, who rarely has to go to the doctor (by choice or not), and who has the faith to move mountains. All week I continued to think, "What if I wasn't praying for her?" or "What if we didn't believe things would be alright for her?" My mom means the world to me, if you haven't figured that out yet, and what she says for some reason weighs more on me than most. I just got the strongest feeling that prayer is how we make it. The week continued to teach me more about this principle. Stacey brought her babies over to visit for a while and we talked about Blake's new job and how everything fell into place right when we were about to lose hope. Taylor told me how Tessa would pray every night, "Thank you that Blake could find a job." and they finally got to tell Tess that Blake got a job! Aubrey said she could finally stop fasting for him! It really is amazing what prayer can do. I guess when you are raised to pray you don't realize the affects it truly can have on those you pray for. Here I am hearing how my husband is being prayed for by more people than myself and my mom is being prayed for by more people than herself. It is a real power that elevates and strengthens. Would Blake have found a job without so many people praying for him? Probably. Will my Mom make a great recovery without the prayers of so many known and unknown to her? Maybe. The fact remains true for me, prayer is a vital part of who we are and how we survive. It connects us to Heavenly Father whether the outcome is what we think it should be or not. I need that connection. Not only does it connect me to Him, but it connects me to the ones I love. It connected my mom to the reality of a Savior. It connects my sweet husband to his Heavenly Father and the knowledge that he is loved and being watched over. It is a real power and I am so grateful that I was able to learn a little bit more about it.

My baby has been sleeping, something he does most frequently. I love him for it.

So I put my hands up, their playin' my song

I am having a bit of writer's block this morning. I have tons to say and yet I am not quite sure how to get it all out. Becoming a mom has been such an incredible experience for me. Blake and I watch Nikson do everything. Some of my favorites you might ask:

• Baby does this funny half laugh in his sleep and smiles really big.
• Sometimes he sucks on his soother in the corner of his mouth like a cigar.
• He yawns big. It's really cute.
  
• He sleeps with both hands up in the air, like this (I may sing Miley Cyrus every time, or not)

• He will stay awake at night when Blake gets home from school so they can have male bonding time.
• He raises his eyebrows in his sleep, which makes me think of a "I told you so" math teacher, (see above)
  
• And...he grunts...all the time. It's so cute.

(Think, think, think)

It is amazing how affected my world is by this tiny little man. His influence has completely changed the way I do a lot of things. He has taught me to love my husband more, to love myself more, and to love others more. I don't know if he even realizes what he is doing to us. Being a mom has become my identity and as the days go on the more I realize how much I love that. The weeks, count them; one, two, have been really amazing and I am happy with the mommy part. I actually don't really do much it seems. He eats, I change his diaper, and then rock him to sleep. I have showered almost everyday because being clean helps me feel cute, which is important for me. Last night we spotlighted Dad and Nikson stayed up the whole time to help. (I say he helped, but what I really mean is he sat up against the pillow and stared at stuff while I wrote love notes to my husband.) He is so helpful! I really love spending time with these guys. Even now, Blake is grabbing my chubby tummy and holding Nikson while he grunts and breaths heavy in his sleep. What a great morning!

Now on to some more difficult content. As far as motherhood goes, I feel good. I have full confidence in our ability to be parents and love this baby. As far as the rest of my life goes, I have a few things that keep me up at night, besides a hungry baby. On Friday I found out that my mom has Breast Cancer. Yep, Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Why the most healthy woman in the world has to have cancer is beyond me. How have I been handling it, you ask? Well on top of getting a breast infection, my husband not having a job, learning that health insurance will cost us an arm and a leg, and it being February and cold, I only have had a few minor meltdowns. At one point I threw the pillow on my head and told Blake that I quit. Because I really felt like it. I went from wanting to quit, to wanting to move to somewhere that has an ocean, to realizing that I really am blessed. It takes me a little while to get to my faithful self after all that! My mom has been incredible since the news. Remember when I complained about her leaving so early here, well little did my selfish self know, but she had to be back in Colorado for a biopsy the next week. Geesh! And she didn't tell me because she was worried I would have a meltdown...hmmmm? I guess she spared herself the drama. Now she is asking for our family to give her scriptures that will help motivate her to be strong through this whole ordeal. Our family fasted for her on Sunday and she says she feels so peaceful. She knows just what to say to help me cope. Of course, it's not me saying things like that to her. I still have more life to learn from I suppose.

I regret that I am so quick to collapse in times of trial and challenge. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is having me learn so early on in life how to handle stressful situations. There isn't anything like Faith. I have fears, lots of them, but I have learned that if I tuck them deep inside of me and push my faith, the little I have, to the surface, I can make it and I can do great things. I love my family and the faith they have demonstrated. 2011 has started off with the greatest of joys and the hardest of sorrows. There must be something incredible about to happen.


Wait for it.


I love you all.

jac