03 October 2010
Just some thoughts...
Last week I was able to attend a seminar with Stephanie Nielson of the NieNie Dialogues . BYU Women's Services launched "Recapturing Beauty" with her as a key note speaker. I went with Natalie, my sister, and Natalie Call and her mom. I don't know if I really expected to have the feelings I did once the conference was over. I expected to hear her story and gain some helpful insight into feeling beautiful when really being pregnant, for me, has been difficult. Lately I have been feeling rather large and "Hagrid" looking. I have desperately needed a hair cut and my massive mane has been completely unkempt. I was looking at pictures from college with my cousin Emma and thought, "I was cute at one time." Ha!
Anyway, on with my new found perspective. I am six months into one of the biggest changes Blake and I will ever experience. When we got married our hope was to get a lot accomplished as husband and wife for the Lord, not realizing that our idea of being in the service of the Lord was going to involve bringing to Earth one of His precious sons. Our mission has turned into a father and mother type classification. I was a little disgruntled to say the least. I was feeling really cute and super happy before I got pregnant and then all of the sudden I was hit with a very selfish and yucky feeling. Becoming a mother is not a new concept for me. I spent every waking hour of my toddler and elementary life playing babies. I had a small blue kitchen play set that my little sister Mamie wanted to play restaurant with, when opening the refrigerator or sink cabinet to prepare the meal, she would find my sweet baby dolls tightly wrapped like burritos and soundly sleeping while "Mother" was tidying up the room. I have always had babies in my life. I am the official "weener" for Garrett and Stacey's babies. I am in no way unable to be a mother. But I have had thoughts of selfishness and uncertainty for the past six months that I guess I need to share. During the conference, although Stephanie's feelings of being burned in an aircraft accident where in the forefront of her speech, my back burner thoughts were consumed with her undying love and connection to her children and the loyalty and peace she gained from her husband. I have always been a woman who has needed specifics. Who am I, exactly? Who will I marry, like, what's his name and what does he look like? I have always prayed to know the answers to these questions and lived my life according to what I figured fit the mold. Jaclyn Jones was going to be a big time actress or the lead spokeswoman for a Fortune 500 company. She would be elected for president one day. And yet, my path has been so different. I was Sister Jones, in the Canada Winnipeg Mission, and I gratefully became the blessed wife of the amazing Blake Bishop. I live in Utah of all places and now serve as a Young Women's President, constantly learning from my sweet girls and my incredible counselors. So here I am, in the middle of hundreds of women listening to this woman who felt like her only reason for living is to be the mom of her kids and the sweet wife of her husband, hearing the Spirit tell me how lucky I am to be a mom and have the same feeling erupt within my own soul. That I too, would have the ability to be so closely connected to sweet spirits Heavenly Father would send us. I have found that my first comment to a congratulations is, "Yeah, I am kind of chubby." Or when people ask if I am excited I say, "Now I am, at first we were not really wanting to be pregnant." Um hello. Jerk Mom! It was right before the conference that I began to realize I had a problem, and as I drove to pick up my sister I asked Heavenly Father to help me understand my new role as a mom. I am so grateful I had the opportunity I did to go that night. I came home with a resolve to be more grateful for who I am "now" rather than who I think I should be. It is amazing to know Heavenly Father knows me that well. I will never be able to deny the fact that He exists in my life and that He is a part of who I am and the marriage and family I am blessed to be with. I am learning each day to be grateful for His love and I see it throughout the little things each day. It is when Blake gets home from school at 10 o'clock at night still so excited to be home and with me even if he is exhausted. It is in the amazing friends that invite me to conferences that, unbeknown to me, will change my attitude and perspective. It is in a sweet mom who reminds me that simplicity in my home will create great happiness. It is my dear Dad, who rarely gets the credit, but deserves the most for teaching me that Heavenly Father is in charge and it is when we rely on Him that the greatest miracles happen. I am a blessed girl and I know it is due to a Father in Heaven who loves me and sends me the little things. I love my life and I am excited to be a mom.