11 April 2012

defining boundaries

ok this post might get a little heavy, but i need some honest commenters out there.
there is something going on out in the world and it's freaking me out.
i have to get this all out, so here we go.

handsome and i have had multiple discussions about how distracted we each get with internet usage, social networks, and gadgets.
do you notice that too?
i have been IGing like nobody's business and blake loves himself some twitter and facebook.
in fact, we have been so into our www. lives that we have been neglecting the real lives we have in our home.
when we are home together after nikson is asleep you will most definitely find us using up our data plan.
don't read this wrong, no one is committing adultery here, but we are definitely not in the right.
i was pointing out the mote in blake's eye last night, while he so kindly reminded me of the beam in my own eye if you know what i mean.
we have a problem.
it isn't too serious, but i suppose my fear is that when things are jiving at home the outlet of the world wide web of disaster with work it's way into our hearts and tangle us up in some serious danger.
there are thousands of articles out there suggesting the danger that comes from not focusing on the family.
some powerful articles are here, here, and here.
the last article is freaky.
i know it is not ALL bad.
i have met some great people out there that i would have never met had it not been for the blog and the connections people have.
i love pinterest because it motivates me to create and i feel like creating is a basic instinct of humanity.
i also realize that there is massive good that can come from buoying each other up and knowing you are not alone.
but sometimes too much of a good thing can get consuming and overwhelming.
you can get caught up in your our self. your own needs and wants.
and its not always about you.

it is really hard to hear that you are doing something wrong.
it's even more hard to think that your actions could be damaging a relationship that matters.

so we went to sleep last night with a resolve to create some personal boundaries.
my prayers have been a little more intense as i try to work out this funky thing going on in my life.
the internet is a great source of learning and the ability to communicate with people all over the world is amazing.
we have some great resources through the church we belong to that i frequently go to for some inspiration.
i have to figure out what is most important.
you know it is bad when i would rather check out my instagram feed instead of talk to my husband about his day.
red flag.

so what are your thoughts?
this post isn't complete because i have a lot of thoughts to sort through.
where are you at in terms of living real life or looking at other's lives?


  1. I'm totally with you sister. The internet and technology is getting in the way of family time and that's not how it should be. I went to a little get together on Saturday night and 7 out of the 10 of us that were there were on their smart phones throughout the entire movie we were watching. I was really disturbed by this. Part of me wanted to stand up and tell everyone to get the crap off their phones, part of me just wanted to leave, and part of me wanted to cry cause it was kinda sad to see the need for these people to be glued to the internet.

    I commend you two. It's great that you are willing to step back and take action in making your family better. LOVE YA!!

    1. Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to comment, so i'm responding to someone else's comment. completely understand-we now have an "unplugged" weekend every couple months or so. Basically no computer, no TV, no texting, no nothing (we can listen to music and use the old fashioned phone :). made us realize how often we reach for our computer instead of a book or instead of talking to eachother. anyway, i found that it breaks habits and makes it easier to be deliberate in your choices of technology usage. good luck! you will do great :)

  2. My husband and I were just talking about this subject last week! He works really long hours, and so do I with raisin' our baby and all, so at the end of our days, we both need some wind-down "me" time. And we both enjoy the interwebs. Which means last week I looked over and saw him focused intently on his tablet pc, and then looked down at my own laptop screen, and thought - "this isn't how I want our life to be!" After saying that out loud, we both agreed we spend WAY too much time online and in front of the television and just plain AWAY from one another, even when we're in the same room! Now, don't get me wrong, we still need our "me" time to wind-down from our busy days, but we've come up with a solution that so far, is making us both feel connected (and not just to the internet!). ONE HOUR. So that means after dinner, we've got just one hour to get things done - and after that, we can choose a t.v. program to watch together, or talk to one another (Ah-ha! I think I forgot what that was like!), and even laugh together! It's been an amazing week so far, and it doesn't feel like we're giving up on having that wind-down time to ourselves, which we both need, but at the same time, like we're doing what families (and more importantly, husbands and wives) should do! Talk! Without an instant message! Good luck on sorting out your thoughts on the subject! x

  3. I agree, even as a teenager, I've tried to set time limits on the computer.. because I used to be on for OUTRAGEOUS times.. :P thanks for getting this out girlie!!

  4. I know exactly what you mean. I really like the idea of the "unplugged" weekend. We might be starting that soon. It's hard to find a balance though in life but it is definitely something we need to work on.

  5. We suffer from the same problem and have had arguments that when we are talking the other isn't listening aka me because I'm checking my feed or he is checking sports or lifehacker... Good post. Glad to know we are not alone.

  6. oh my gosh- I am in love with his little bow tie. too cute! And I am totally right there with you about being to connected to a device.... life revolves around them these days- it's so hard to unplug. which to me, is a sad thing.

  7. My husband was in the Army so facebook was our only way to communicate so I was on there 24/7 we were on their SO much it just started causing arguments one day we just decided to delete it and when it was gone I realized how ADDICTED I was to it! It was insane!!!!!!! (this is so embarrassing but you said honest lol!) It's almost a year later now and I don't think I could have it again without getting all into it again. I found myself just posting stuff up because it sounded good or looked good I was doing it just for what other people would think of it. I deleted that and got my blog I love it so much more the important people in my life can see such a difference in me, I get so much more done and spend so much more time with my family. My husband and I got along A LOT better. Social networks are fine and I do miss being able to keep in contact so easily with family and even though there are times I miss it I wouldn't get it back for the world! Anything is fine in Moderation :) maybe you and your husband should 'unplug' for a week every month? Anyway sorry this was SO long!

  8. I don't know what IGing is so I guess that's a good thing. I do love technology (google is your best friend when helping your kids with homework) but I try to keep it at a distance. I love blogging, but only do it when my kiddos are in school.

    I don't FB or text (don't own a cell), and I am sure Pinterest is great, but there are far too many other things I need to accomplish in my day so I limit myself to one outlet, and that is blogging.

    You just need to know that how you spend your time, so will your son.

  9. I def. agree with your post and think it is great that many people are starting to acknowledge it - social media is growing so fast, and it is so easy to jump on all the bandwagons and get addicted...including myself. I gave up Facebook for the last three months, and felt a new sense of Freedom and realized I was not dwelling on the past via looking at old photos, but living in the present a bit more and enjoy all God gave me here. Case in point, a controlled amount of any good thing...is a good thing :) Let me know what you all come up with for boundaries and great post :)

  10. oh it's soooo true! computers and iphones can easily take over. we've started spending our evenings unplugged: no tv/iphones/etc. It's amazing how much "free" time you'll have to talk, read, play games, etc! Then usually we'll spend an evening totally vegging out and catch up on all of our shows and stuff!

  11. Just found you! LOVE YOUR BLOG :)

    I totally agree with this post.... This is why I have chosen pretty specific times to write and post (while my son sleeps)... which is hard because being a single mom , my alone time is so valuable to me.. BUT I try really hard not to get too sucked into Pinterest and blogs during the day. I'm all for blogging and become united as women and gathering new ideas and inspiration from others, but I think it's ever so important to TAKE A TIME OUT and LIV beyond the computer screen.

    You have a new follower :)


  12. I'm with you on this. I've been telling my bf that we have been way too attached with our phones to the point that even if we're with our friends, we still have the need to check Facebook and Twitter to see what's going on with our other friends. That's why I always just keep my phone in my purse.


  13. That last article is freaky.. but so true. It's scary that only by sending a message may and can create feelings to another person that isn't your husband or wife. I also have a problem with www. I find as you have... it being so useful but so demeaning. Like I go on facebook a while ago and their is porn waiting for me and worse waiting for my husband more than once. Or on pinterest I type in a word hoping to find something so innocent for a baby's room and I see more porn. i understand I have the choice to look or not but the www. takes that agency away from me. Just as easy as it is to send a message and get attracted somehow to someone else it is just as easy or easier to get addicted to pictures if not easier just by one look. Which sadly has happened too many times and has separated two people so in love you never would think that could happen to. I don't like that at all it makes me sick. I am grateful the world has people like you to seriously realize their is a problem with too much of something and really try to do something about it. Life is very short and www., always having to find more ideas to improve ones house instead of ones self or family, stocking peoples lives on facebook, telling people what you are doing at the moment, is really not important, just a weird pleasure we have created. I loved reading your post today... I may not have a facebook page that I use etc... but I have a lot to think about concerning what is important and what is not... And actually make a change. Thanks for your thoughts. I am excited to read more

  14. i love this post. i find myself far too connected.. far too often. and i love your blog, jaclyn. excited to be a new follower :)


  15. aaaamen. we talked about this in my media history and philosophy class. technology and social media is causing obstacles that require us to find new ways to keep relationships close. i hate being with my family or friends and we're all on our phones. THAT IS NOT BEING TOGETHER. i'm interested in seeing how technological advances will continue to effect relationships.

  16. I hear you! I've been thinking the same thing about myself. I def need to institute some rules. #1 would be no computers/phones/tv in the bedroom or while eating.

  17. Oh man, I really hated reading this, but only because it makes me feel convicted! I've been thinking of this a lot lately too, and now reading this is making me take a hard look at what our lives are becoming, and where I want it to go. I definitely want to be spending more quality time with my hubby, and setting a good example for our kiddo. Thank you for writing this!!! (and I'm looking forward to reading more of your writings!) xoxo

  18. Well said. I just saw your blog for the first time. You look great! I agree. I am blogging and James is reading on his ipad. We really ought to be talking but for some reason it is just nice to escape into virtual reality. I think some boundaries are in order for us as well.

  19. Ugh, I understand that. I think that, sometimes, we spend so much time together that, by the time the day is unwinding, there simply isn't much left to be said. But, it's also similar to watching movies together-at least though you are laughing or getting caught up in the same thing. I try to read my entries aloud to my husband or he shows me something he found that he really liked. But, mostly, we struggle with making sure we actually make it to bed at a reasonable hour! Set some boundaries and stick to them. And, don't feel guilty on an occasional night that you're both so tired and easily distracted that not much is said until it's time to sleep!
    Thanks for the hello. Friends? <3

  20. hey dear, i am interest with your blog <3
    mind to follow each other? <3


  21. I know what you mean, there is SO much out there it's a bit like falling down a rabbit hole at times with one site leading to something else great and before you know it, you've waster hours in front of the computer screen :) I try hard to only go online when my two girls are napping and at night, after the girls are in bed, I have a quick half hour check of blogs and then switch off so hubby and I can chat and have time together :)

  22. Whoa, Jac. Look how many followers you have! So many people left comments already.
    I dated a guy who didn't like to watch TV. Well, he did...he just never got around to it. What?? I don't watch a lot, but there are probably 3 or 4 shows I watch weekly. Plus movies. Anyway, dating this guy, I found myself not needing to watch all of these shows and realized how productive I felt when I didn't watch them. I know the internet is different, you can still be productive. But when you aren't spending so much time on it and spending time in life without technology as a distraction, the satisfaction of your productiveness is different. You create more memories. Life is more simple. I feel super guilty when I spend too much time watching TV shows or playing on the internet. Like I'm missing out on life. Those are just my thoughts.

  23. I can honestly say I feel the same way. That's why on the weekends we try to unplug, ignore our phones, computers etc... we get taht enough monday to friday especially with our jobs and my blog :(

  24. My husband hasn't caught the social media crave nor does he have a smart phone. I on the other hand have a blog and an iphone but our social networks are different. He grew up with a lot of friends and family around him. I didn't. My best friends live the two different countries. My closest friendships are some of the bloggers I've met. We see it as nurturing relationships, he does his in person with his childhood friends, which I often tag along to, but I also nurture the relationships I've built with friends online. Sometimes Patrick will tease me about the amount of time I spend on my phone or at the computer, but that same technology got us through years of a long distance courtship. But your point is an important one and I've slowly started sorting through what's really important and necessary. I no longer use Twitter much. And cut back on all the blogs I frequent...it's a small start, but it's a start :)

  25. I do understant what you are talking about....When you come to think about that...to me it means that you have to slow down a little and think first about your family and friens...Because when you look(i mean reAlly look and count)at the time spent in front of your computer:you can't believe what you see!
    i sometime use a timer(yes sounds weird but it helps stoping before spending 3 or 4 hour in a row instead of doing other stuff in the house)....
    Kisses from France

  26. Done!the link is now working!

  27. I see what you mean, and I'm trying to get control of the time spent in front of the computer. It' not easy, but it's worth it. Every now and then I want to stop the whole thing but the "problem" is, as you mentioned, that it also brings the passion to create which is also important to me. It's all a question of organization and most of all discipline.
    Thank you so much for visiting my little blog! You're so very welcome!

  28. I know exactly what you're talking about! My boyfriend isn't as much into the internet and social media as I am, but we're both pretty bad. (Okay, I'm REALLY bad.) For the last few weeks, we've been thinking and talking about how to re-connect with each other because even though we're spending a lot of time in the same room, we're not really WITH each other. I definitely need to learn to put the phone and laptop down and spend some quality time with him. I really love the internet, but I don't like what it's doing to my relationship. It just consumes me!

  29. We are bad at this too! We both sit at a computer all day long and still find ourselves Facebooking, emailing, instagraming after we get off work as we are sitting on the couch. I have really tried to make a conscious effort to put my phone in the other room once I am off work. I notice how much happier I am and how much better I feel when I'm not staring at a screen. I think for one, we consume WAY to much info from the internet and it makes our brains over stimulated and is bad for our eyes. But most importantly, I never want to look back and think, wow, we wasted the prime years in our marriage on our phones. I just love leaving the phones, going outside and hanging out with my husband. We are less stressed and can devote full amounts of attention to each other. We can connect. I think when we're staring at out phones, the furthest thing we are doing is connecting you know? I halfway want to cancel our data plans. It was suck at first, but I want to be able to focus on each other and our baby when he arrives. Oh, I also removed my blog email from my phone because I felt it was too distracting. I try to do emails about an hour a day and then I'm done. Everything else can wait until the next day. WOW, long comment sorry! Loved this post though!

  30. I love this idea! I am constantly checking my phone! Time to get something done.